i am going to look fifty when i'm thirty


(pam and heidi, a downtown afternoon)

I've been struggling for a long time with equally strong desire and fear of living hard and full. I'm terrified that I've lost precious time; time when I should have been vulnerable to much more than hospital trips, when I ought to have been soaking up this world and all it has to offer like a sponge. Simultaneously with my fear comes the urge to seize life wholeheartedly and have it throb beneath my feet. I'm sort-of trapped in a bubble between the two ends of the spectrum; in a place where nothing really happens or truly changes, because I crave life yet I'm scared of it's daunting potential.

So while I'm feeling all of these feels, I keep thinking of Jessa from Lena Dunham's brilliant television series Girls. I'm hearing this one line that she says during a huge row with her husband:

"I have been living this life for twenty-five fucking years. I am going to look fifty when I'm thirty. I am going to be so fucking fat, you know why, it's because I am going to be so full of experiences."

Maybe I'm just gaining experiences.


a cup of kindness yet

a white and wonderful christmas with my brother, graham, mom, dad, grandma, papa, and my half-sister, alysa